Give me a platform and let me vent!
I am mad, frustrated, irritated, and feel like I'm hog tied because I can't do a dang thing about it! Of course it has to do with one of the little darlings. And of course it just so happens to be the one who is in the double digits and thinks she knows everything.
Why is it when you ask your little precious if she is for-sure for-sure that so and so's mom will be picking them up that the answer is yes. (BTW, for-sure for-sure is SERIOUS business. Almost like a pinky swear.)
Now it's 45 minutes after you should have been picked up, you are not answering your phone, I have no idea whether you have been picked up by named mom or by some stranger. So I call the other party's mom and find out that she didn't know that she was suppose to be picking you up! WHY THEN are you telling me that you have a ride when the driver of this ride was not even aware that they should be driving to give you a ride!!! NOW, a whole hour after you were dismissed from this gathering you are finally picked up. Which is great! You finally call. And I am happy that you are ok!
Why now? Is it because you are in the car now and feel safer from the wrath of mom?
I do find out that adult overseer was watching out for you. Thank goodness. Because that is not a neighborhood I would want to hang out in after dark...alone! Even at 30-something. I am very thankful that I know and trust this guy as well as humbled for him sitting with you girls after everyone else was gone!
NOW, I'm embarrassed because adult overseer has a family and little babies and I'm sure he wanted to kiss them goodnight before they went to sleep.
But what is it that really makes me mad has very little to do with you in this moment! I am frustrated because I am at home packing all of my stuff and getting ready to leave at 4:30 in the morning to go work 4 straight 12 hour shifts. Maybe that's not a lot for some. But it is physically and emotionally and on occasion, spiritually exhausting work. Not only that, but this work that I speak of is not down the street. It's two hours away. Therefore, I can not discipline you. You are spending the night with your friend and dad is ok with that. I AM NOT! It is in your dad's hands and we are not seeing eye to eye on this one.
Basically I am in tears because I don't like this! I want to be home! I want a job that is closer to my home! I want to have some weekends off! I want to take care of my kids and make sure they are safe and sound where ever they are suppose to be. That's what I want!
This is posted and un-edited because my dryer is finished. I need to get my scrubs out and pack the rest of my bags for this stupid work!
pouting :(
9/21/11
9/20/11
Mastermind
Being that I do what I do, and what I do just happens to involve a lot of people who've had trauma to their brain, I find it interesting that I am trying to grasp the concept of how beautiful and intricate the human brain is. I mean, over 100 billion neurons and it only weights a couple of pounds. Approximately a quadrillion synapses in the human brain alone! Is that even a real number...Seriously!?! The hologram of thoughts that our brain can think in just one minute is impossible to count.
It's no wonder that when Satan wants to attack us, his portal of entry is the brain. If the Bible says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." (Prov 23:7) then of course the enemy wants us to be self critical, worry about the future, or even doubt our Creator. He is really good at having me believe that I am unacceptable as I am. He is great at telling me to look at my friends and notice that I don't belong there. He is even better at using my past hurts and hangups to get me down.
As I have grown spiritually, I now realize a couple of things about the plot of the enemy. When I made a commitment to press in and really seek the face of God, things were about to really get shaken up. I've heard people talk about their journey and the difficult things they've faced while walking on the path less traveled. My goodness, I've survived some of these battles waged in the spiritual realm. But, I don't think I was really prepared to be attacked the way I have been since I made that vow.
My girls are the best. They are mom's, and wives, and sisters, and daughters who desire God's best for their families. These ladies and their husbands are established and connected in this community. Several are teachers, a couple are entrepreneurs, a pastor's wife, attorney's wives, it's just a whole gamut of wonderful women. Some work at home, some work outside the home. We are a mash up of all things girly and wonderful! We are LIFE GIVING!
So, ya see, Satan is really good at getting me to question my existence in this circle of friends. He tells me lies. These lies go from, you don't exercise enough or eat healthy like these women. You're fat and don't deserve to be such good friends with so and so. You're divorced and judged. All of these women are married and have great husbands. You defiantly don't make enough money. Look at your life and then look at theirs. See, you don't belong...do ya? To which my first response is, this is a lie and I do not receive it. But day after day of hearing this tends to wear on me and makes me start to question. Do I really belong? He's smart! He knows exactly what to say to me to get me to eventually crumble. He is keenly aware of my rejection issues from my past.
The good thing is, my girls have a sense that something is wrong. And when I am able to rally my boldness and speak out the lies I was believing, it just melts away. I feel loved! I am blessed! I do belong!
My fleshy hologram thoughts of rejection, judgment, and indigence disintegrate and I am reminded that not only does he know my name...But He knows every single thought!
It's no wonder that when Satan wants to attack us, his portal of entry is the brain. If the Bible says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." (Prov 23:7) then of course the enemy wants us to be self critical, worry about the future, or even doubt our Creator. He is really good at having me believe that I am unacceptable as I am. He is great at telling me to look at my friends and notice that I don't belong there. He is even better at using my past hurts and hangups to get me down.
As I have grown spiritually, I now realize a couple of things about the plot of the enemy. When I made a commitment to press in and really seek the face of God, things were about to really get shaken up. I've heard people talk about their journey and the difficult things they've faced while walking on the path less traveled. My goodness, I've survived some of these battles waged in the spiritual realm. But, I don't think I was really prepared to be attacked the way I have been since I made that vow.
My girls are the best. They are mom's, and wives, and sisters, and daughters who desire God's best for their families. These ladies and their husbands are established and connected in this community. Several are teachers, a couple are entrepreneurs, a pastor's wife, attorney's wives, it's just a whole gamut of wonderful women. Some work at home, some work outside the home. We are a mash up of all things girly and wonderful! We are LIFE GIVING!
So, ya see, Satan is really good at getting me to question my existence in this circle of friends. He tells me lies. These lies go from, you don't exercise enough or eat healthy like these women. You're fat and don't deserve to be such good friends with so and so. You're divorced and judged. All of these women are married and have great husbands. You defiantly don't make enough money. Look at your life and then look at theirs. See, you don't belong...do ya? To which my first response is, this is a lie and I do not receive it. But day after day of hearing this tends to wear on me and makes me start to question. Do I really belong? He's smart! He knows exactly what to say to me to get me to eventually crumble. He is keenly aware of my rejection issues from my past.
The good thing is, my girls have a sense that something is wrong. And when I am able to rally my boldness and speak out the lies I was believing, it just melts away. I feel loved! I am blessed! I do belong!
My fleshy hologram thoughts of rejection, judgment, and indigence disintegrate and I am reminded that not only does he know my name...But He knows every single thought!
9/14/11
I RUN
Today I Ran...
I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a new love. My desire is to be a runner. One that can run a specified distance without feeling like puking on the street in front of them (which is how I felt today). One that has a good runners body, you know, long and lean. Maybe I'm a bit over zealous about that, so I will settle for short and in better shape than I am now.
I finally have a purpose to run.
PASHI
I will dedicate every step that I run to her. I will dedicate every step I run to the little girls who are stuck in a life of sexual slavery. I will dedicate every step to God! Because otherwise, I will not be able to do this!
I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a new love. My desire is to be a runner. One that can run a specified distance without feeling like puking on the street in front of them (which is how I felt today). One that has a good runners body, you know, long and lean. Maybe I'm a bit over zealous about that, so I will settle for short and in better shape than I am now.
I finally have a purpose to run.
PASHI
I will dedicate every step that I run to her. I will dedicate every step I run to the little girls who are stuck in a life of sexual slavery. I will dedicate every step to God! Because otherwise, I will not be able to do this!
7/20/09
THIRTY-FIVE
Some of my gurlz helping me celebrate!
I know it is hard to believe that I am 35 by looking at me, but I am. lol If you ask me how old I am...well, I'll lie!
Let me also say, that I am apprehensive to be transparent on here. When you do not know who is reading or who will be offended by what you write, it is hard to be completely real! But, really... why am I concerned with that. (let me answer that... I don't like conflict and I have enough in my life right now!)
Brooke and IThis year my actual birth date was not a happy time for me. Why? For several reasons. First of which, every since I lost my mom in 2006, my birthday's are not the same. When the woman who carried me in her stomach, cared for me, taught me, laughed and cried with me and for me is gone, my birthday has not carried the same significance as it once did.
Secondly, this year my husband and I are getting a divorce so that also makes this birthday hard. No only the divorce, but everything that it has entailed with the family has been difficult for me to accept. But it is what it is!
Finally, my birthday was on a Sunday this year. Those of you who know me know that I work EVERY weekend in Dallas. Working is part of life and as adults we don't get to treat our birthday as if it is a national holiday (but I'm thinking mine should be). Therefore, I did not get to see my kids. Ashley left for camp that day and Payton was with his dad.
Now, the combination of the three of these together is what made me an emotional wreck on June 28th.
Kesleigh, me, Stephanie, Marsha, and Heather
On the other hand, I have been blessed with some of the greatest friends IN THE WORLD! I feel so lucky to have such great people in my life. I love all of you girls, Waco and Dallas, y'all are so special to me!
I went to Dallas on Friday and went to dinner with girls from work! Wish I had pics for you, but I don't. (got a pic, see below) We went to Benihana's. The food was wonderful, the friends are hilarious and priceless, and the gifts were amusing, to say the least!
The following Wednesday was just as memorable! We had fondue and drinks at Uncorked and the after party at Hondo's. Thank you Stephanie and Marsha for the food from Taco Bell since Hondo's couldn't even get chips and salsa because the "cook went home".
What was one of my worst birth date's in my 35 years turned out to be my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE birthday yet! Yes, I would love to have my mom here, but she is in God's hands now. I missed my kids like crazy, but they came home soon. You girls are the ones who made it unequivocal to no other birthday!! I hope you are all in my life for an extremely long time!!! If you do not carry the same sentiments about me being in your life - TOO BAD! You should have got out when you had the chance.
Top row: Jordan, Casey, Fran
Bottom row: Tanna, Shavonne, me, Cathy
Secondly, this year my husband and I are getting a divorce so that also makes this birthday hard. No only the divorce, but everything that it has entailed with the family has been difficult for me to accept. But it is what it is!
Finally, my birthday was on a Sunday this year. Those of you who know me know that I work EVERY weekend in Dallas. Working is part of life and as adults we don't get to treat our birthday as if it is a national holiday (but I'm thinking mine should be). Therefore, I did not get to see my kids. Ashley left for camp that day and Payton was with his dad.
Now, the combination of the three of these together is what made me an emotional wreck on June 28th.
Kesleigh, me, Stephanie, Marsha, and HeatherOn the other hand, I have been blessed with some of the greatest friends IN THE WORLD! I feel so lucky to have such great people in my life. I love all of you girls, Waco and Dallas, y'all are so special to me!
I went to Dallas on Friday and went to dinner with girls from work! Wish I had pics for you, but I don't. (got a pic, see below) We went to Benihana's. The food was wonderful, the friends are hilarious and priceless, and the gifts were amusing, to say the least!
The following Wednesday was just as memorable! We had fondue and drinks at Uncorked and the after party at Hondo's. Thank you Stephanie and Marsha for the food from Taco Bell since Hondo's couldn't even get chips and salsa because the "cook went home".
What was one of my worst birth date's in my 35 years turned out to be my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE birthday yet! Yes, I would love to have my mom here, but she is in God's hands now. I missed my kids like crazy, but they came home soon. You girls are the ones who made it unequivocal to no other birthday!! I hope you are all in my life for an extremely long time!!! If you do not carry the same sentiments about me being in your life - TOO BAD! You should have got out when you had the chance.
Top row: Jordan, Casey, FranBottom row: Tanna, Shavonne, me, Cathy
4/28/09
HI!!!
I know it has been forever since i've blogged!!
Please forgive me and know that i love you and miss you. We are still alive. Ashley will respond to the previous post soon and i will continue my blogging career. Yet another thing i love to do and don't get paid for. lol.
Many of you know that my life has been crazy lately and I thought it best to spare you from that.
Until I blog Again.
Much Love
I know it has been forever since i've blogged!!
Please forgive me and know that i love you and miss you. We are still alive. Ashley will respond to the previous post soon and i will continue my blogging career. Yet another thing i love to do and don't get paid for. lol.
Many of you know that my life has been crazy lately and I thought it best to spare you from that.
Until I blog Again.
Much Love
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