Significance of Number 3

In the past sixteen hours there has been the birth of an idea, a plot, A PLAN.  This is a  plan that involves me. A plan that involves my passion for girls who have survived the sex trafficking industry.  A plan that involves a short term mission trip.  A plan that, if it comes to fruition, I will be able to mark something off of my bucket list. 

As I am writing these words, a thought strikes me...This is much bigger than me!  It's much bigger than me marking something off of my TO DO list. This is about God and what His perfect will is for my life!

God started a work in me a couple of years ago.  It was really after Mike and I divorced two years ago.  I'll spare you all the details, and hit the highlights instead.  After our divorce was final I started to notice that my eyes were drawn to men with darker skin.  It seemed that the ones I found (and still find) "oh, so hot", were Indian men.  There is no rhyme or reason for this.  But I like it.  I embrace it.  It's different from everything I've ever known.  There have been a few casual dates with these "brown boys" and I enjoyed my time with them.  Well, except for with the Chef, Vijay.  He became controlling after one week.  And my personality is not one that compliments controlling very well!  He sucked the life outta me!

What I believe has really been happening within me is not what I like in a man, but more of a stratigic move for me to learn more about myself.  Learn about the country of India.  Learn about their economy.  Learn about their history.  Learn about their culture.

During the past couple of years I have also learned that I have a passion for victims of sex and human trafficking victims.  I've read several places that sex trafficking is the third most profitable organized crime industry, but can't actually find the source of this.  But if there is ANY truth to this claim... How Sad!!  For some of the facts on how prevalent this problem is click here or here . I just want to cry out all of the things that is wrong with this, and be explicit in everything I would attempt to inflict upon someone if it was one of my children who fell victim to this nameless, faceless crime!  However, since I'm with holding the details, I won't.  This passion runs deep and I'm not sure why.  My childhood was fairly normal.  What ever THAT means.   So, why me God?  Why THIS passion? Why now?

At the beginning of the year, I attempted to make contact with some people who could direct me in how I could help.  But the doors were shut in my face.  Quietly my heart cried out, "But Lord...I feel like you are the one who birthed this passion within me!  What am I suppose to do?"  To which I believe the response was, "Wait...Pray..."  And so I have.

NOW (very emphatic and dramatic)... A mission where?  India?

I just have to tell you the significance of the number 3.  Every time I feel the urging of the Lord it is always confirmed in three's.  That may actually be in the Bible somewhere, I'm not sure.  (note to self: look that up)


Number One and creation of THE PLAN:  Last night I received and e-mail from my friend Kylie.  The organization that she introduced me to, As Our Own, has a home and school where girls from the ages of 5-20 have been rescued from the red light district in India. And they will be sending a group over there next summer.

Number Two:  Then, I get home last night and read a chapter in a book called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist.  Guess what she wrote about in that very chapter.  A mission trip.
What?!? What?!?

AND Number Three:  NOW TODAY...I was casually scrolling through some blogs and came across my friends sister.  What was her last post about?  A mission trip!

What, What, What the heck is going on here?

There are so many thoughts curving, running, and rocking through my noggin right now.
  •  I don't have the money
  • Is this why You made me wait and told me to pray?
  • But God...
  • You were the one who gave me the desire to go on a mission trip
  • I'm not well versed on Bible verses
  • I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength Phil 4:13
Okay, I just had to laugh.  Earlier when I was writing out all of these things, I wrote them in this exact order.  Notice what the last two say.  Ironic?  No, I'm sure God was very intentional in the way I wrote this. 
  • Is this for real or am I making it up in my head?
  • I must pray over this
  • How will I raise funds
  • What, God?  Me?  
  • But you know I wanted to go to Costa Rica on a mission trip.
  • Your kingdom come, Your will be done
  • I am stronger than I think I am
  • Really, I just wanted to run a half marathon.  That's a miracle in itself! 
  • Guess I'll need to get a Malaria medication, right?
Will I really do this?  Will I really go to India?  I'll stay cautiously optimistic and excited about going, in hopes that it will all work out!



After working the past three days (Fri, Sat, and Sun) I have a couple of issues that I am concerned about.  I know that some of these areas of concern are already being looked at by upper management, but I would still like to put in my two cents.  And feel free to share this e-mail to whomever it is relevant to.
On being a charge therapist – After this past weekend, I’m really not interested in filling this particular role as the work load stands now.  When we are staffed accordingly, I will be more than pleased to assist in being charge therapist again.  I love helping my co-workers and have said before, I do not mind pushing a vent all over the hospital when someone calls me and needs one right away!  As you know, on Sunday, I was taking care of the patient on 3 North ICU who is on HFOV, had my own ICU duties on 3 Truett, covering Roberts PACU, on Rapid Response Team, and charge therapist.  This is extremely overwhelming! The quality of patient care I gave was not my standard of care.  And there were numerous treatments I marked as not done due to “therapist unavailable”.  There was no one else to call on, as all ten of us on staff Sunday could not be spread any thinner.   There is a safety issue here, not only for the patients but for us as teammates.  From my observation, when there is plenty of staff during the week, the charge/RRT therapist usually does not have an area to cover.  This should be across the board.  I would also like to see the charge therapist be compensated monetarily for the role they fill (not clinical ladder).  As far as scheduling, maybe it would be beneficial to have one person on Saturday and one on Sunday, instead of being in charge the whole weekend.  Just a suggestion and I’m not sure how the other therapist would feel about this. 
On Staffing – Simply put, we do not have enough on the weekends!  I do understand the need to cut back on hours for the therapists who work over a 60 hour week on a regular basis, and I agree with that being dangerous.  However, these are the therapist who would pick up a shift here and there to help the TDA staff out.  And as I previously stated, I believe it’s a safety issue the way we are understaffed presently.  I have several solutions that would work in my mind.  One being that the straight PRN staff we currently have (as small as it is) is used as just that.  As it stands now, these therapist sign up for shifts Monday through Friday, and then are unavailable when you ask them to work on Saturday and Sunday.   Another option would be to have our ICU therapist rotate mandatory on-call and be compensated accordingly when called upon to work.   Or maybe hiring more PRN staff and once our FTE schedule is complete, calling them with the options of dates to work.  This would also help with the weekend FTE’s who are unable to pick up extra shifts during the week because it is fully staffed by PRN staff.  One thing I would like to have cleared up is this, when I am in charge on the weekend, is it my responsibility to find staff?  When I don’t work on Friday’s, I don’t know who has called in or who’s on FMLA, or who’s off on PTO and if anyone has found a replacement.  This is one area I need clarification.  I’m not always available to stop and make phone calls to find staff for the weekend if I am at home taking care of kids and such. 
On HFOV’s – Where can I find the policy and procedure on the HFOV?  I looked several places and can’t find anything.   Maybe it’s because I’m trying to read it from home, maybe it’s due to the new policy and procedure library, but I don’t know where to look.   Is it in the policy that a therapist must be available in that ICU at all times?  Anyway, you know and I know that everyone has been in serviced on the HFOV.  We had three running this past weekend.  Just because someone has been in serviced does not mean they can run a HFOV.   As I have said before, if there is a HFOV on 4North and I need to train someone or even move to a different ICU for other therapist to become more familiar with this intimidating machine, then I will do so.  The TDA staff needs more exposure and hands on, but basically this also boils down to a staffing issue.  We don’t have the staff to pull someone and train them on the HFOV therefore Becky and I will continue to be the ones running them.  And that’s fine with me, I like taking care of these critical patients.  But we won’t always be here.  All of this to say that this was another issue raised over the weekend.  And in fact if the policy does state a therapist must be present on the unit at all times, then again, we have a safety issue, because this simply could not happen this past weekend.
Now, for the miscellaneous questions and concerns – Why is an ICU therapist covering the comprehensive care portion of 3 Truett?  I can see where this may be a non-issue during the week, but on the weekend it would be very beneficial for comp care to cover this area.  Consider it a trickle down of sorts.  We take on the responsibility of BHVH and they take on the responsibility of 3 Truett.    Checklist…I’m a rule follower, so I will be doing this mandatory check list, but I have to tell you that between the computer charting and the checklist and other things that are “mandatory”, we are stretched too thin as therapist.  Actual patient care is going down the drain.  And it doesn’t matter how many oral care protocols you have in place, or ventilator weaning protocols, or even VAP protocols…when it comes down to it we need to be able to take care of the patients and quit checking so many boxes.  I also think there needs to be a reminder sent out to the ICU therapist about the re-taping schedule.  There should not be any reason for a nurse to stop me on Sunday October 2 and say “Will you re-tape this patient?  The date on the old tape says Sept 29!” I mean, come on friends.  We are adults.  The nursing staff should not remind us to do our JOB. 
Thank you for letting me vent my concerns and feelings!
See you Saturday,

And there you have it!  My frustrations in a nutshell from this past weekend at work and the e-mail that addresses them sent to my supervisor and manager.  Will anything change?  Probably not, but we'll see.


The Platform

Give me a platform and let me vent!

I am mad, frustrated, irritated, and feel like I'm hog tied because I can't do a dang thing about it!   Of course it has to do with one of the little darlings.  And of course it just so happens to be the one who is in the double digits and thinks she knows everything.

Why is it when you ask your little precious if she is for-sure for-sure that so and so's mom will be picking them up that the answer is yes.  (BTW, for-sure for-sure is SERIOUS business.  Almost like a pinky swear.)

Now it's 45 minutes after you should have been picked up, you are not answering your phone, I have no idea whether you have been picked up by named mom or by some stranger.  So I call the other party's mom and find out that she didn't know that she was suppose to be picking you up!  WHY THEN are you telling me that you have a ride when the driver of this ride was not even aware that they should be driving to give you a ride!!!  NOW, a whole hour after you were dismissed from this gathering you are finally picked up.  Which is great!  You finally call.  And I am happy that you are ok!

Why now?  Is it because you are in the car now and feel safer from the wrath of mom?

I do find out that adult overseer was watching out for you.  Thank goodness.  Because that is not a neighborhood I would want to hang out in after dark...alone!  Even at 30-something.  I am very thankful that I know and trust this guy as well as humbled for him sitting with you girls after everyone else was gone!

NOW, I'm embarrassed because adult overseer has a family and little babies and I'm sure he wanted to kiss them goodnight before they went to sleep. 

But what is it that really makes me mad has very little to do with you in this moment!  I am frustrated because I am at home packing all of my stuff and getting ready to leave at 4:30 in the morning to go work 4 straight 12 hour shifts.  Maybe that's not a lot for some. But it is physically and emotionally and on occasion, spiritually exhausting work.  Not only that, but this work that I speak of is not down the street.  It's two hours away.  Therefore, I can not discipline you.  You are spending the night with your friend and dad is ok with that.  I AM NOT!  It is in your dad's hands and we are not seeing eye to eye on this one.

Basically I am in tears because I don't like this!  I want to be home!  I want a job that is closer to my home!  I want to have some weekends off!  I want to take care of my kids and make sure they are safe and sound where ever they are suppose to be.  That's what I want! 

This is posted and un-edited because my dryer is finished.  I need to get my scrubs out and pack the rest of my bags for this stupid work!

pouting :(



Being that I do what I do, and what I do just happens to involve a lot of people who've had trauma to their brain,  I find it interesting that I am trying to grasp the concept of how beautiful and intricate the human brain is.  I mean, over 100 billion neurons and it only weights a couple of pounds.  Approximately a quadrillion synapses in the human brain alone!  Is that even a real number...Seriously!?!  The hologram of thoughts that our brain can think in just one minute is impossible to count.  

It's no wonder that when Satan wants to attack us, his portal of entry is the brain.  If the Bible says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." (Prov 23:7) then of course the enemy wants us to be self critical, worry about the future, or even doubt our Creator.  He is really good at having me believe that I am unacceptable as I am.  He is great at telling me to look at my friends and notice that I don't belong there.  He is even better at using my past hurts and hangups to get me down.  

As I have grown spiritually, I now realize a couple of things about the plot of the enemy.  When I made a commitment to press in and really seek the face of God, things were about to really get shaken up.  I've heard people talk about their journey and the difficult things they've faced while walking on the path less traveled.  My goodness, I've survived some of these battles waged in the spiritual realm.  But, I don't think I was really prepared to be attacked the way I have been since I made that vow.

My girls are the best.  They are mom's, and wives, and sisters, and daughters who desire God's best for their families.  These ladies and their husbands are established and connected in this community.  Several are teachers, a couple are entrepreneurs, a pastor's wife, attorney's wives, it's just a whole gamut of wonderful women.  Some work at home, some work outside the home. We are a mash up of all things girly and wonderful!  We are LIFE GIVING!

So, ya see, Satan is really good at getting me to question my existence in this circle of friends.  He tells me lies.  These lies go from, you don't exercise enough or eat healthy like these women.  You're fat and don't deserve to be such good friends with so and so.  You're divorced and judged.  All of these women are married and have great husbands.  You defiantly don't make enough money.  Look at your life and then look at theirs.  See, you don't ya?  To which my first response is, this is a lie and I do not receive it.  But day after day of hearing this tends to wear on me and makes me start to question.  Do I really belong?  He's smart!  He knows exactly what to say to me to get me to eventually crumble.  He is keenly aware of my rejection issues from my past.  

The good thing is, my girls have a sense that something is wrong.  And when I am able to rally my boldness and speak out the lies I was believing, it just melts away.  I feel loved! I am blessed!  I do belong!

My fleshy hologram thoughts of rejection, judgment, and indigence disintegrate and I am reminded that not only does he know my name...But He knows every single thought!



Today I Ran...

I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a new love.  My desire is to be a runner.  One that can run a specified distance without feeling like puking on the street in front of them (which is how I felt today).  One that has a good runners body, you know, long and lean.  Maybe I'm a bit over zealous about that, so I will settle for short and in better shape than I am now.

I finally have a purpose to run.


I will dedicate every step that I run to her.  I will dedicate every step I run to the little girls who are stuck in a life of sexual slavery.  I will dedicate every step to God!  Because otherwise, I will not be able to do this!